“With recent legislative changes, our court system has taken pride in our enlightened terminology.
a. We no longer use “custody” or “access” because those labels were regarded as provocative, polarizing and unhelpful to the resolution of family disputes.
b. We promote more neutral and conciliatory labels like “shared parenting” because they promote mutual respect and parental involvement; and because children are better off when both parents are actively and beneficially involved in all aspects of their lives.
But just as outdated labels are to be avoided because they conveyed the wrong message – we have to ensure that our currently-favoured parenting designations convey the right message.
a. Shared parenting is not a prize. Or a reward. Or a badge of entitlement.
b. It’s not about rights. It’s about responsibilities.
c. It’s not an acknowledgement of pastparenting. It’s a commitment about future parenting.
d. It’s not about soothing adult egos (although that’s a helpful side-benefit).
e. It’s about creating precious opportunities.
f. Opportunities for both parents to maintain a meaningful role in their children’s lives. To make enlightened and important decisions in a mature, selfless, cooperative, child-focused manner.
g. Opportunities for children to have the best of both worlds. To benefit from the love, guidance, involvement, insight, culture and commitment of each parent. Even if the parents aren’t together. Even if the parents don’t like each other anymore.
h. Opportunities for parents to solveproblems.
i. But not opportunities for incessant argument and obstruction.
Shared parenting may be desirable or aspirational. But it’s not automatic. And it’s definitely not to be taken for granted.
a. In some families it’s inevitable.
b. In some families it’s achievable.
c. In some families it’s worth a try.
But as this court stated in Izyuk v Bilousov 2011 ONSC 6451 (SCJ) (prior to the amended legislation):
In the wrong family circumstances, a joint custody order can perpetuate hostilities, indecision, and power struggles. Children – particularly children already exposed to the upset of family breakdown – look to their parents for love, guidance, stability, protection, and consistency. They need to have confidence that adult decisions will be made quickly, properly and uneventfully.
Shared parenting:
a. It’s not exactly “Use It or Lose It”.
b. More like “Abuse It and Lose It”.”